“Your entire life can change in a heartbeat.” Those words have drummed a steady refrain in my head for the past year. I am writing this on the one-year anniversary of when those words leapt to life for me. Previous to THE ACCIDENT, I believed that monumental life changing events happened through words. The telling of what had transpired or listening to someone else share what had or was happening. At least, that is how it had previously been in my life. Words. The nurse on the phone telling the doctor exactly what time Grampa had died. The man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with telling me we had no future. My doctoral dissertation committee refusing to read my dissertation proposal. All moments of unspeakable pain. All moments of tremendous loss. Moments that shattered my world, my heart, my dreams, changing the trajectory of my future. Words that changed my world. Yet those moments are nothing compared to what happened a year ago. There were no words. It was an accident. A guy not paying attention. Shattered steel. Shattered glass. Shattered me.
It took a while to realize how shattered I was. I still am. There are times when I wonder if I really do understand the extent of the damage done. Honestly, I am not sure that I want to know. The last year of my life has been about pain, anger, frustration and questions. It has also been about peace, introspection and courage. If I knew nothing else about myself before THE ACCIDENT, I know how resilient I am. That resilience has served me well the past year and will continue to do so in the present and future. For me, resilience is the knowledge deep within my soul that not only will I get through this, but in the end I will be OK. Actually, I will be better than OK. I will end up stronger and more compassionate because of this nightmare that I journey through. I know that. I cannot explain how I know it. I just do. It is with the same certainty that I have complete confidence that God walks beside me through all of this. I just know. I simply believe.
In order for good to come out of this, I had to make a conscious choice to look for the positives. And so I have. I focus on the one friend who has never wavered from my side, even though she has endured her own heartache during this time. I do not focus on the many friends who told me they would be there if I needed anything and then dropped out of site. I focus on the positive. I choose to be grateful. This blog and my story center around resilience or at least what resilience looks like in my life: Surviving and thriving as you find your way amidst a night with no stars and reflecting on the comfort of the darkness and the knowledge that you are still making progress, whether you see it or not. Crying out in pain in a world where no one seems to either see or hear you and still being grateful that you have a voice or that the pain means that you are still alive. I am hoping that as my story unfolds and you learn more about my journey, that it will help you with your story and you will see pieces of you. It is amazing how true that phrase is – “Your entire life can change in an instant” and NEVER be the same again.
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