Do you ever wish that you could be in a different place? Possibly go back in time to when you felt safe and protected? Sometimes I wish that. My biggest concern would be that week’s spelling test (spelling is really NOT my subject – sigh) or whether or not my mom would let me stay up late on a school night. The more I think about that time in my life, the more I realize that there were a lot of moments that I did not feel safe and protected. I was the smart, chubby girl in elementary school. I was that kid who got teased and made fun of regularly. I tried so hard to fit in. I just didn’t. I was chosen last for anything in gym class, but first for group work in the classroom. What I took away from that was understanding that my value lies in what I am able to do for others (external value). It took me many, many years to learn that my value lies in who I am (internal value), not what I can do. I don’t think that I want to go back.
I am not thrilled with my present. It is all about managing exhaustion, doctors, therapists, exercises, comparisons from the past. I look for the positives, but some days ….
Maybe I could go forward. Time-travel into my future. Start fresh. Start new. Create the life and the me that I long to be. I would have my Ph.D, a cozy Tudor style cottage and a thriving private practice, the time and money to travel. And no pain. No mental or physical or emotional pain. It would be perfect … hollow.
One of my core principles is the importance of hard work. There is reward in that. I would miss that feeling of deep satisfaction and internal strength that I get from doing something I did not think I could do. Accomplishment. Sacrifice. Struggle. Pain. Tears. Heartbreak. It is when these things combine with commitment, determination, joy and triumph that dreams become a rewarding reality.
Yet, knowing all of that, I still wish that I were someplace other than where I am. Granted, where I am today is much better than where I was a year ago. My current life is not easy. It is filled with frustration and pain and questions. For the future I want, I constantly remind myself to find a different view of my present – a positive view. I am alive. I am getting better (even if it is VERY slowly). I am still about to search for answers to my questions.
I think that the most important thing that I do everyday is to not give up on myself. It is hard, but I am worth it.
#SenseOfHope #resilience #faith #lifelessons #feelingsafeandprotected #positivethinking #tbi #searching
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