That feeling. You know it. It is the slow motion, paralyzing, this is a dream I am going to wake up from any moment feeling. That is how I feel right now, except I am fairly certain that I am fully awake. I have written about how life can change in a heart-beak, but what do you do when faced with the reality that the dehabilitating, unwanted and unwelcomed change is more than likely permanent?
I have no idea. Right now every cell in my body is screaming “NO!!!” Such a helpful answer, I know. I wish I had a better one. I am a helper, a comforter. I am a professionally trained and experienced therapist. I help people process difficult and complicated information that profoundly impacts their life. But I do not know how to process this information that has been handed to me.
A very quiet voice from deep, deep inside of me is saying “just be”. It isn’t the answer that I want. “Just be”. I can’t “just be”. I have things to do, places to go, people to take care of … I am far to busy to “just be”. That is ridiculous. What does it even mean, “just be”? It is like a Nike ad gone wrong. But …
As hard as I try, I cannot erase the words from my memory. “Just be”. The original soft and quiet voice seems stronger, less easy to resist. The words don’t shout. They wrap around me like a warm, soft blanket – “just be”. The trembling slows. The more I try to fight against “just be”, the more it seems to draw me into it. Comfort. Caring. Maybe even the promise of peace? I want that. I want to feel that there is a way out of this. I desperately want to feel hope again. Even if it is just for sixty seconds, I want the burden lifted and peace to flow through me. “Just be”.
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