I probably read the e-mail 10 times. My immediate disbelief slowly gave way to wonder. I could feel the corners of my mouth erupting into a smile. My grin felt enormous!!! This was so exciting!!! I had submitted a design for a holiday window-decorating contest. My design had been selected for a storefront window display in Midtown Omaha. The event was called Miracle on Farnam. There were approximately 20 businesses that were participating. It felt like a miracle to be selected. It seemed like so long since I had received good news. For once the tears sliding down my cheeks were joyful. They had chosen my design!!! I had never done anything like this before. It was my sister who encouraged me to enter. I didn’t think I had a chance.
Drawing the design had been fun. I love creative projects. It was reassuring to realize that I am still able to create. That part of my brain was not damaged in THE ACCIDENT. I had a lot of concerns about how a two dimensional drawing was going to become a three dimensional sculpture. So in between doctor and therapy appointments, I began to slowly bring my drawing to life. It took a lot of time and effort to think through the materials I would use and how all of the pieces would fit together. This was challenging. It was another reminder of how easily I get exhausted and how difficult things that used to be simple now are. I had talked to the manager at the store of my window display and she graciously allowed me to take as much time as I needed to set up the window. This was a relief since this project would need to be done slowly, piece by piece in order for me to complete it.
There were two significant surprises. The first was the reminder of how much I love to create. That sense of excitement and joy I feel inside, almost like a super power or a candle illuminating darkness! Finally I was able to do something that made me feel like myself! Until I encountered surprise number two – the level of exhaustion I felt. This entire process left me feeling depleted. It was the kind of exhaustion you feel when you haven’t slept for days. Only it happened after I spent 15 minutes working on something. The pattern went like this: work for 15 minutes, rest for 2 hours. Yet, I was managing to very slowing bring my vision to life. So many breaks. So much rest. Such slow progress.
For every small triumph that gave me hope, there was a reminder that I could no longer do anything like I had before THE ACCIDENT. I kept telling myself that is OK. A different approach. A slower technique. A new perspective. These are positives that would help to create an end result that is better. (Right???) I have a feeling that my forced focus on the positive was actually carefully concealed denial, but I didn’t want to go there. This was going to be a positive experience. Period.
In a life that appeared to be lacking in miracles, participating in Miracle on Farnam brought a multitude of miracles into my life. Creating my window reminded me that I AM still able to feel and share joy and love and laughter. My ability to dream and imagine and create was not damaged in THE ACCIDENT. I cannot express my profound gratitude for that. I may need to create differently, but I am still able to be creative. That is a miracle, one that brings me comfort, a little peace and a lot of joy!
P.S. My window did not win, but it did finish in the top half. Watching and listening to people of all ages explore and react to the window was an amazing gift.
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