It starts with a tightening in my chest, a lump in my throat, an uneasiness in my stomach, tears that I don’t want to erupt from my eyes but I can’t seem to control. I can’t seem to control any of it as it grows into something more. This tightening becomes a pressure. I want to scream or shout or do something to release all of the frustration, all of the anger.
Anger and I are not friends. I know that anger appropriately expressed is positive and healthy. Learning how to deal with anger is an important part of emotional development. For a variety of reasons, I have dealt with many angry people throughout the years. When it is your anger, I am fine. When it is my anger, I am not.
It seems like the more time that passes since THE ACCIDENT, the more anger comes to visit me. I don’t like that. I don’t know how to reduce or change how anger has come to be an initial reaction to so many things – driving, remembering simple things, being too hot or too cold, not being able to find the right word(s). . . Basically the anger comes attached to anything that causes me frustration. Things that might have cause me some irritation before the accident; now often produce full-blown rage. My emotional reaction is not proportional to the emotional trigger. It feels like one more area of my life over which I have lost control. That makes me angry too.
I don’t like the way the anger makes me feel – like I am being held hostage. The anger comes suddenly, unexpectedly and forcefully. It takes away any sense of calm. It robs me of my identity. I am NOT an angry person. Who is this person who seems to be becoming increasingly angry? Will she ever go away? Why is she here in the first place?
When the anger comes, as soon as I recognize it, I try different coping skills – deep breathing, counting, attention to sensory details (the feel of fabric, how light reflects off of various objects, the sound of my breathing. . .). Most of the time it works. It gets exhausting. There are times when I wonder what would happen if I didn’t try to control the anger. Those thoughts frighten me. The anger feels like a force so much bigger than I am. So I push against it. I know that I have valid reasons to be angry. My entire life has been torn apart. In my ongoing attempts to put my life back together, I keep discovering that none of the pieces fit like they did before.
I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to live a life where I allow myself to be less than. Any strong emotion allowed to run rampant in your life makes you less than the best, most amazing version of yourself. I do not choose anger. Calm counters anger. For me, calm comes from being able to recognize the anger, rationalize what level of anger I should be feeling, re-direct the negative energy into something positive and realize that anger in and of itself is OK.
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