It has been 1825 days since THE ACCIDENT, making today the five-year anniversary. In thinking about what to write here, I kept coming back to this: “I thought it would be different by this point”. Different how? Different = Better. So much was taken from me on that warm summer day. More than I knew mattered. More than I thought I would ever miss. Simple things like not having to worry about how much energy it takes to wash my hair so I could still go for a walk later in the day. Meeting a friend for tea means not being able to watch television in the evening. Not going to family events because there are too many people who will drain my energy and increase my overall pain level.
I made a new friend recently. This friend had no knowledge of my brain injury, nor of what I was like before THE ACCICENT. My friend only knows who I am now. We were talking about what to do together. The conversation made me feel sad and permanently broken. Something in the evening? No, I may be too exhausted and I can’t drive at night – brain fatigue and light sensitivity. A movie? No, I have to be careful with backlighting on screens and too much noise – light and sound sensitivity. Lunch or dinner at a restaurant? Again, no. Too much light, noise and general stimulation unless it is at an odd time of day. A concert in the park? Sorry, again too much noise and visual stimulation. How do you explain not being able to do what so many people take for granted? Here is an added challenge – I look fine. I sound fine. I act fine. I am NOT fine. I am the farthest thing from fine.
On this anniversary day, I feel a combination of anger, grief, and sadness. This fifth year has been difficult. Four new concussions, new medical concerns, Sebastian, my constant furry companion, died. And the list continues ... I can’t just leave it there, with the brain fatigue, light & noise sensitivity, confusion, constant headaches, and never-ending pain. To leave it there would not be an accurate reflection of my life. Although today is not the most stellar day for me. There have been days in the past 365 days as well as in the past 1825 days that have been filled with love, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, friendship, and hope. Snapshots of my ability to live life well, just differently. Undergirding everything in my life is hope. Hope that if things do not seem better today, I can work to make them better tomorrow. Hope that change and growth and healing are possible. Who I am now compared to who I was 1824 days ago is proof of that.
My truth is that my life is different than it was five years ago. This life is challenging. The old one was too. There were things that felt daunting then, just like there are different things that feel daunting now. My current life has blessings which seem enormous – the time to strengthen and nurture friendships; Time to figure out who and what is most important to me; Time to live into the person I believe God created me to be. I have a good life. I have a strong faith. I am resilient enough to appreciate the balance of what could be better and what is better. I think this different is exactly the kind of better I need. It is just a different kind of better.
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