I love church. I don’t remember a time in my life when church was not an important part of it. As a child, every Sunday morning was spent going to Sunday School and worship. As I got older, youth group became an important part of my adolescence. I chose a small, faith-based liberal arts college, followed by years of seminary education. I have spent over 20 years in professional ministry. I am not sure I know who I am without the church.
Yet here I am, without church. Since THE ACCIDENT, God has been an ever-present part of my life but the church has not. It seems like a cruel twist that one of the places that brought so much comfort and peace to my life before THE ACCIDENT cannot continue to do so after the accident. Sunday morning worship has become a source of anguish and turmoil. There is too much noise, too many people. The organ causes unspeakable pain. All of those hymns that previously consoled me, now create chaos in my brain.
I keep trying – Christmas, Easter, a Sunday morning here and there, all with the same result – PAIN and exhaustion. It is hard for me to find the positive in this circumstance. I do not understand. Although they are important, prayer, reflection and reading the Bible, are not the same as worshiping with a community of faith. Why would God not want that for me? It frustrates me because yet again I have no answers. I am just left to grapple with what is. Sometimes I wonder if it is a test. If I keep trying, keep putting myself in this painful situation, will I eventually pass the test and be able to find comfort and peace in worship again?
#church #lifelessons #expectations #choices #consequences #challenges #hope #SenseOfHope #TBI #organ #music #worship #pain #comfort
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