The tomatoes are ripe! That means that it is time to make BLTs! Toasted bread, a little mayo, juicy garden grown sliced tomatoes, fresh lettuce (or better yet – basil) and crispy bacon – YUM!!! For me, a BLT is the quintessential summer sandwich.
It doesn’t appear to be a difficult sandwich to make. Yet it is. In many ways, the BLT symbolizes a reorientation for me. The first time I tried to make BLTs after THE ACCIDENT, I found myself overwhelmed and in tears. BLTs require A LOT of steps (1. Toast the bread; 2. Slice the tomatoes; 3. Tear off the lettuce leaves from the head; 4. Fry the bacon [with its own set of steps]; 5. Put out the condiments …). I know that to someone without a brain injury it sounds ridiculously simple. That was part of what upset me so much. Making BLTs used to be simple. It was now one more thing that seemed overwhelming and just plain hard. I had begun making BLTs under the premise that it would be simple.
In addition to all of the steps, there is a lot of multi-tasking. (Another thing that I struggle with after THE ACCIDENT). I was trying to prep the lettuce and tomato while frying the bacon. “It should not be hard” was the refrain running through my head. But this was HARD. It was so hard that trying to make BLTs resulted in a full-blown meltdown.
I felt a lot of shame, both from not being able to do what I perceived as a simple task and for my strong emotional response. Honestly, I still feel a touch of shame when I think about my first attempt to make BLTs after THE ACCIDENT. I know that I should not fee shame, but I do. I think that the shame stems from not being able to meet my expectations (after all, who can’t make a BLT?) combined with my lack of emotional control. Tears and toast don’t mix well.
I have made many BLTs since that first time after THE ACCIDENT. (I was not going to be defeated by garden vegetables). However, I make them differently now. Knowing that multi-tasking is no longer something I can do without a certain level of confusion; I focus on one thing at a time. It takes me a lot longer, but I can do it!
Isn’t that what life should be all about, turning weaknesses into strengths? Learning how to muddle through the tough stuff? Our gifts change over time. The challenge of creating a new path or a new way of doing things shows resilience. It is a balance between what we know we can do and what we aren’t sure we can do. It is learning how to balance both the laughter and the tears in our lives.
Frying the bacon that first time after THE ACCIDENT was so stressful that not only did I want to give up, I never wanted to fry bacon again. That is what I wanted, but I don’t believe in giving up so I finished frying the bacon and found a way to fry bacon that does not hurt my brain. I laugh a little every time I make BLTs. It is a laugh of triumph (from doing something that at one time seemed close to impossible) and a laugh of joy (from not letting something defeat me.)
In some ways, I think that I enjoy BLTs now more than ever. That Bacon Lettuce and Tomato sandwich has come to represent the importance of learning how to Balance Laughter and Tears!
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