BUT . . .

I have been told that I have a strong faith. Maybe . . .

There are times when I feel wrapped in the generosity and grace of God. It is as if everything I do is God guided. These are the enriching and engaging times.

There are other times when I feel abandoned and alone. I don't question the existence of God. I simply question God's participation in my life. There are MANY references in the Old Testament to God turning away. These are dark and despondent times.

Then there are times when I catch glimpses of God's presence in my life. I know that God is at work, but I don't understand. I trust God, BUT ... I pray and I listen, BUT ... I pray and I act, BUT ... These are the times of the BUTs.

I want clarity - certainty. I want assurance that I am doing my best to live into whom God created me to be. God seems close, but constantly out of reach. This is when I question my faith the most. I find that while I am questioning, I find comfort in also reflecting on what I believe to be true about God.

I am certain that:

- God is actively at work in my life, whether or not I am able to see or feel it.

- God is good.

- God may allow evil, sin and suffering to exist in the world, but God does not cause evil,

sin or suffering (see above - God is good.)

- God has a plan for my life. No matter how hard I try (intentionally or unintentionally),

I cannot mess up God's plan for me.

- God created me (and all of us) to be amazing with specific, important and unique gifts.

Reading over my certainty list gives me strength and comfort. It helps me feel closer to God. So why the BUTs...? Maybe that is how faith grows, by our doubts, our BUTs ... When I question, most of the time I am questioning my response to or understanding of a situation. Was THE ACCIDENT a punishment? Did I do something (or a bunch of somethings) to deserve having my life torn completely apart? I don't think so, BUT... Did God want me to change course and this was the only way I would listen? I don't know, BUT ...

I have spent my summer reading Old Testament prophets: Jeremiah, Ezra, Nehemiah, Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum and Habakkuk. I have been searching for comfort, hoping that I would somehow be able to find answers that would allow me to stop adding BUT ... There have been a few verses that have brought comfort, BUT ... it seems like all of the prophets in that long list were used to tell a tale of how God's people strayed and the various ways God's judgement was experienced. I REALLY wanted to see God's mercy. Instead, I have strongly identified with those receiving God's judgement. Sigh. BUT ... I keep reading and I keep hoping.

I wonder if other people have similar questions, experiences, etc. (If you do, feel free to comment in the comments section.) I have faith. I want my faith and trust in God to continue to grow. I desperately want to live into whom

God created me to be. I just wish I did not have so many BUTs ...